So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
