watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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