watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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