You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
