Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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