what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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