A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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