my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
