oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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