Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
