I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
