Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
is wine microwaveable?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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