She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
