I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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