apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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