just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize