Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
