They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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