Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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