There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
