You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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