I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I want her autograph on my taint
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
