I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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