My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
