i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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