There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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