It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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