She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
sarcasm needs its own font
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's blow job season.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
