planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
