My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
