You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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