he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
