there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
