can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
