so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
