I hope mine doesn't look like that
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
