this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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