Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
