I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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