Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
