Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
