I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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