dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
