i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize