I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When are your genitals available?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
