last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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