Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
