I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's the barista slut.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
