I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
