capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize