Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize