dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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