Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
