i wish my penis had a tongue
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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