So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
