I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she looked like the before picture.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
