She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
