member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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